Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Sketchbook Project

Steve and I just signed up for the sketchbook project through arthouse co-op. The general idea is: they send you a moleskine sketchbook after you pick a theme, and you spend the next couple of months filling the pages loosely based on the theme you've chosen. Then you send it back and it's archived and goes on tour with the thousands of others who've submitted theirs as well.

I'm excited to start this project because I am the WORLDS worst procrastinator. I call it my fear of success. So this is totally going to force me to WORK!

Now I'm going to head back and try to fix the many mistakes on the painting I picked back up after 10 years. It was just fine the way it was before I decided to "fix" it. Now I've committed myself.. I have to finish it.

Oh and a big thank you to my freckle-faced sweetheart for the Tara McPherson book.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Always half done

So I haven't been sitting on my laurels too much lately. It's just that I haven't finished anything. Started, yes. Finished, no. But that's my usual M.O. So my plan is to at least COMPLETE the four projects I have started before school starts in September. One has to be finished before October because I want to put it in a group show.

So here are photos of the 3 out of the 4 projects I have started. These are rough sketches and drafts.

Speaking of school... When I got my award letter, I was reminded that I was $2,000 short of being able to pay for next semester. I'm at my lifetime limit of federal loans. I wished that I would have remembered this after I graduated the first time. I went to a technical school 1997-1998, spent or rather, wasted $13,000 on a certificate that was useless.  The school taught us programs that were obsolete by the time I graduated and their idea of a placement department was scanning the newspaper and sending you to the interview. I sure wish I could have half of that $13k now that I'm trying to get my BFA. It's just a case of "if I knew then what I know now". But you can't focus on that, just go full steam ahead.

I'm appreciative of all the grants AND scholarships that I've received. It's relieved a lot of the burden of having to take out loans. I really should have just stayed at my parents house and used my last personal loan to pay for looming school debt. But, being 33, I was eager to get back into living on my own and with Steve coming home from Iraq, I thought it would be a little uncomfortable having him stay and "live" with us there. But looking back on it now, it would have been a sound financial idea for the both of us.

When I first got the letter I thought "This is what I needed to get my ass in gear to freelance" and more recently I've spent a few moments panicking, sobbed a little and set my mind right again by allowing the chips to fall where they may and applied for work. At least I could try to make monthly payments, right? It's been harrowing.

The Universe has been good to me. I could spend an hour giving you great, positive examples. Steve, Portland, friends, school, family, etc. I just need to trust in that, and not give in to the dark thoughts of panic and negativity. It's hard when I'm so close to the end I can touch the finish line. Shit, I can see the finish line. I'm the first person in my family to go to school and get a degree. I live to make my family proud of me. I want to do this, I've worked so incredibly hard to get where I am now. I sacrificed more than I care to admit.

I spent so long in the beginning being a whiny bitch and wanting to quit if I didn't get my way.  I've made so many positive changes since that little girl (of 28) that I don't want to ruin it. If I have to put it off for another year, fine. I don't really want to do this because I'm so close, but if I have to, I will begrudgingly do it.

I'm scared. But I'm ready. And I'm ready to work my ass off even more to get there.