Fear is a stalker

I think I've come to see what's keeping me from doing everything I SHOULD be doing. And it is fear. I haven't really put my finger on what the fear actually is, but at least I acknowledge it.
Maybe it's a fear of success. I've seen it first hand.
Maybe it's a fear of failure.
Maybe it's a little of both.

I want to succeed, and I've known failure and I think I've tricked myself into thinking I'm ok with it.

I started to tackle these fears this afternoon when I picked up the self portrait that's been sitting at my desk for almost two months.

I wanted to spend my summer break preparing myself for my senior thesis. But I couldn't bring myself to complete A SINGLE PROJECT. I started an Edgar Allen Poe portrait, it flopped, I threw it away and didn't pick anything back up at all.
I think finishing my pin up project finally pushed my mental buttons.

I'll be afraid. But this time, I'll be afraid with the knowledge that it's sitting in my brain and waiting for me, and if I combat it by working then maybe I can come to terms with it. As long as I can keep it chained up.

Ready for some pin action?

I can't stand the fact that FaceBook compresses my images so badly. So I'm uploading my newest pin up here.

I've worked off and on for about a week on her, and I usually don't like to do images of people in a full frontal pose. I really like the way profile and 3/4 poses look. They're more dynamic.
I missed doing these. I have about 3-4 more in my sketchbooks that I really should do. It's a nice break from being "professional".

-Jenn

(I totally forgot to post progress photos! So here they are)

I give you the final: "Who's Ready for Some Pin Action?" ©2010

The Sketchbook Project

Steve and I just signed up for the sketchbook project through arthouse co-op. The general idea is: they send you a moleskine sketchbook after you pick a theme, and you spend the next couple of months filling the pages loosely based on the theme you've chosen. Then you send it back and it's archived and goes on tour with the thousands of others who've submitted theirs as well.

I'm excited to start this project because I am the WORLDS worst procrastinator. I call it my fear of success. So this is totally going to force me to WORK!

Now I'm going to head back and try to fix the many mistakes on the painting I picked back up after 10 years. It was just fine the way it was before I decided to "fix" it. Now I've committed myself.. I have to finish it.

Oh and a big thank you to my freckle-faced sweetheart for the Tara McPherson book.

Always half done

So I haven't been sitting on my laurels too much lately. It's just that I haven't finished anything. Started, yes. Finished, no. But that's my usual M.O. So my plan is to at least COMPLETE the four projects I have started before school starts in September. One has to be finished before October because I want to put it in a group show.

So here are photos of the 3 out of the 4 projects I have started. These are rough sketches and drafts.

Speaking of school... When I got my award letter, I was reminded that I was $2,000 short of being able to pay for next semester. I'm at my lifetime limit of federal loans. I wished that I would have remembered this after I graduated the first time. I went to a technical school 1997-1998, spent or rather, wasted $13,000 on a certificate that was useless.  The school taught us programs that were obsolete by the time I graduated and their idea of a placement department was scanning the newspaper and sending you to the interview. I sure wish I could have half of that $13k now that I'm trying to get my BFA. It's just a case of "if I knew then what I know now". But you can't focus on that, just go full steam ahead.

I'm appreciative of all the grants AND scholarships that I've received. It's relieved a lot of the burden of having to take out loans. I really should have just stayed at my parents house and used my last personal loan to pay for looming school debt. But, being 33, I was eager to get back into living on my own and with Steve coming home from Iraq, I thought it would be a little uncomfortable having him stay and "live" with us there. But looking back on it now, it would have been a sound financial idea for the both of us.

When I first got the letter I thought "This is what I needed to get my ass in gear to freelance" and more recently I've spent a few moments panicking, sobbed a little and set my mind right again by allowing the chips to fall where they may and applied for work. At least I could try to make monthly payments, right? It's been harrowing.

The Universe has been good to me. I could spend an hour giving you great, positive examples. Steve, Portland, friends, school, family, etc. I just need to trust in that, and not give in to the dark thoughts of panic and negativity. It's hard when I'm so close to the end I can touch the finish line. Shit, I can see the finish line. I'm the first person in my family to go to school and get a degree. I live to make my family proud of me. I want to do this, I've worked so incredibly hard to get where I am now. I sacrificed more than I care to admit.

I spent so long in the beginning being a whiny bitch and wanting to quit if I didn't get my way.  I've made so many positive changes since that little girl (of 28) that I don't want to ruin it. If I have to put it off for another year, fine. I don't really want to do this because I'm so close, but if I have to, I will begrudgingly do it.

I'm scared. But I'm ready. And I'm ready to work my ass off even more to get there.

Oh, seriously now, I've been slacking

I've found myself with an amazing opportunity that I've been neglecting. I could be flourishing in my "studio" and pumping out work left and right.
Instead, I wake up, stay in my pajamas until the afternoon, and talk to myself about all the things I "could" be doing.
I "could" be promoting myself. I "could" be trying to put out new work. I "could" be experimenting. I "could" be trying to make some money from my work.
I've spent a long time being insecure about my stuff, referring to the multitude of other artists I know who are wildly talented and great at self promotion.
But I live like a hermit with my work because I keep telling myself that I don't have any great ideas, when in fact I have a plethora of ideas that I haven't even tried yet.
I tell myself it'll never work because I can't do it, it won't turn out right. But how will I know if I don't try?!
I tell myself that no one follows my stuff because no one really reads my blogs anymore. Well, who's going to read a blog that's barely updated? Who's going to check out a website that has outdated art and hasn't been completed?

I am able to do this through the awesome generosity of my boyfriend, and basically, by not working on anything, I'm shoving it in his face. I was able to start working on a painting that has remained unfinished for almost 10 years. That was the kick to the ass that I needed. Now I'm in the mood to get this tiny ball rolling.

So there. I said it. I'm putting my butt back in the saddle, and working like a big girl should. Big girl pants on.

Man About Town

I wanted to join a local group art show this month called "Creepy Crawlies" but because of outstanding attentions skills, I missed the deadline. So I figured I'd finish at least one project I started.I've been inspired to work more with linoleum prints because they've gone over so well with people. Someone bought two of my robot pieces as a wedding gift to their friend, from the show I was in last month...er, well, in February.

I love working in the medium, and mom was sweet enough to buy me a mini press, and I'm still learning the process. But it's stress relieving and fun!

So here's two versions of "Man About Town". The one in the frame is the last print before I edited the image. The second, I thinned out his jacket a bit and am trying to decide who's going to go in the frame.

In between

I haven't been doing as much personal work as I would like lately. I just got over a case of the cabin fever blues and then jumped right into school.
I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get any drawing done this semester because I have mostly liberal arts classes.
But I got to do a narrative piece that I've had mulling in my mind for years now.

I may change it at some point in the future because I want to practice my technique more. I'll let you decide what the story is.

I'll write more (and include photos) of the group show I was in recently at the good gallery here in portland. Robot Love: 2010. It's fairly self explanitory... but my parents, boyfriend, and good friends showed up and made me feel very loved. I'll write more about it as soon as I get some photos of it hanging.

*process photos of my narrative piece*